Pride Month Blog: Black, Gay and Fabulous!
Written by Jarred Keller
Navigating the world as a gay Black man is not for the faint of heart because although society classifies us as weak, it takes a lot of strength to deal with the hurdles we face. Even though I’m far beyond my teen years, I sometimes feel like the lost 15-year-old who struggles with fully loving himself with no conditions. I say conditions because the love most bestowed upon me came with them, and if I stepped out of bounds, that love was revoked. My parents loved me deeply, but love became murky when my minister father found out his son likes to kiss boys — the sting of that pain never entirely goes away.
For most of my life, I just wanted to fit in, so I did everything I could to avoid the spotlight because if I blended in with the background, no one would ask me about my sexuality. Anytime one of my peers asked if they could “ask me a question,” I already knew what was coming — “are you gay?” A feared question for most black male teenagers growing up in the conservative south. The question was scary because although I knew I was gay, I wasn’t ready to deal with the repercussions of fully owning my sexuality — especially not at that age. I had a limp wrist, switch in the hips, and a high-pitched voice, so I knew around middle school I would have to work extra hard to appear straight. That kills me to say now, but it’s what I felt I had to do at the time.
As much as I appreciate the south for making me into the man I am today, leaving the south was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made because it provided a freedom that living in such a conservative state could never. A Black gay twenty-something running the streets of Hell’s Kitchen, a famously gay neighborhood in NYC, on a Friday night was more liberating than words can describe. No one was glaring at me, damning me to hell, or throwing holy water on me — I was able to be my most authentic self, and I’d never experienced that before. Being able to show up fully was the first step to ridding myself of these antiquated ideologies that I was a sin or would never lead a fulfilled life because of my sexuality.
To this day, I still struggle with fully loving myself and showing up as authentic as possible because for so long I felt like I had to be whom everyone else wanted me to be — honestly, I didn’t even know who I was. A life spent people-pleasing left me void of an actual personality, but as this journey of self-love continues, I’m learning more about myself which is very exciting!
Being gay and Black has taught me that life will be challenging, but I’m fabulous, which gives me the strength to get through those tough times.
